Armageddon For Artemis
by Viper Inferno
Summary: Artemis faces chaos when he hears that he must be neutered. A comical twist of events answer a question that many Sailor Moon fans, as well as other people, think about: How does a talking cat react to having to be neutered?


Title: Armageddon For Artemis

Author: Viper Inferno

Genre: Comedy

Rated: PG-13 (for obvious reasons)

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**Armageddon For Artemis **

_By Viper Inferno_

_Minako's House..._

"Minako-chan, please come into the living room," Minako's mother called to her. Minako only lied down in her bed, totally contempt with getting a little beauty sleep. She loved her sleep, especially on these 3-day weekends when she has nothing better to do with her time. Makoto was working a 12-hour shift at the restaurant today. Well, at least she'd get paid very well for her fine cooking. Rei was visiting her aunt and uncle, relatives on her father's side of the family she rarely ever visited. And Ami was visiting her mother at the hospital since she hadn't been home in a day and a half. All Minako had was her nagging mother and Artemis as any kind of company. Sure, she'd love to go guy hunting, but there's no Usagi around to guy hunt with. She always ogled at the guys when she was with the other girls.

It took Minako's mother calling her down again before Minako finally got up to go see what she wanted. Minako slowly walked down the stairs to her mother's "Minako, hurry up and get down here." Minako made it downstairs and into the living room moments later.

"It's about time you showed up," her mother said sarcastically.

"Yes mother," Minako acknowledged, wondering why her mother interrupted her lovely nap.

"Minako, your father and I have talked about this," her mother began explaining, "I know how much you love Artemis, but we're getting another cat."

"Why would you want another cat?" Minako asked, remembering how much her mother didn't like cats before she got Artemis, "Isn't Artemis enough trouble?"

"Actually, I've thought about getting Artemis a playmate. I'm thinking having another cat to play with would keep him company while you girls are out," said her mother.

"Artemis has always liked my company when I was home," said Minako, "I don't think he needs another cat for that."

"Also, I've noticed that Artemis has been quite frisky lately," her mother pointed out. "How often has he been outside?"

"He goes outside whenever I let him, which is fairly often," Minako answered.

"Something tells me he's been in heat lately, and this other cat I'm getting is a female," said her mother.

"Where are you going with this?" Minako wondered.

"I mean Artemis has to be neutered," her mother replied, "You know how bad the cat population around Tokyo's been getting. Plus, I don't want these two making kittens in my house. One playmate is enough for Artemis, and I don't need more after this cat."

Though Artemis can be quite annoying at times, he was Minako's cat and her friend. They cared a lot about each other, and have kept each other company. Artemis especially has been almost like a mentor to Minako, ever since she met him back in England before she became Sailor V. The sound of such a drastic change, physical change, in Artemis being forced upon him by her mother shocked Minako and made her quite upset.

"Please mother," she pleads, "Don't neuter my cat. I've heard that cats' personalities change after being spayed or neutered. I like Artemis the way he is and I don't want him neutered."

"Oh, but how do you know he won't make kittens outside and boost the cat population that way?" her mother argued back.

"Because I know Artemis, and he's not that kind of cat," Minako replied.

"And how do you know that?" her mother asked.

"Because..." Minako paused for a moment, catching herself before telling her mother anything about Artemis being a talking cat who is totally capable of sharing what's on his mind, "... I just do. I've had him long enough to know what goes on with him."

"It really doesn't matter any. I'm getting another cat and I don't want those two getting happy and bringing in kittens," said her mother, "Artemis is getting neutered this week, and that's final."

Minako knew right then that she was beaten. Her mother was not going to change her mind about neutering her cat. She knew she had to tell Artemis about his impending fate. Yet, she wondered, how does a talking cat react to having to be neutered? The very thought of it made her giggle as she walked up the stairs. Must be funny to see how a talking cat would react. But, reality set in. She hated the idea of her cat having to be neutered.

Artemis awoke from his nice catnap to find Minako walking inside, with a rather concerned look on her face. He yawned and stretched his front legs, thoroughly waking himself from his catnap. "Morning, Minako-  
chan," he said wearily, "What's gotten you in the dumps."

"Artemis, I have some bad news," said Minako, bringing a little fear to Artemis and making him wonder what kind of bad news she has. "Mother's getting another cat."

"Why would your mother need another cat?" Artemis asked, "She thinks I'm trouble enough as it is."

"That's not the point," said Minako as she musters up the strength to tell her friend, "Mother wants to neuter you."

At the sound of that, Artemis' eyes widened to 3 times their normal size. "WHAT?!?!?!" he yells, jumping into a corner, standing on his hind legs and crossing his paws between his legs protectively, "I don't want my balls chopped off."

"I tried to stand up for you, but mother seems to think you're gonna get happy and make kittens with this new cat," Minako explained.  
"But you don't understand, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY MANHOOD," Artemis pleaded.

"Sorry Artemis, mother's rules," Minako argued.

"But I won't be the same Artemis if you cut them off," Artemis pleaded once again, trying to get Minako to understand. But she already tried those arguments with her mother and they didn't work, "You gotta listen to reason. PLEASE DON'T LET THEM DEPRIVE ME OF MY KITTY MANHOOD!!!"

"Enough Artemis," said Minako, "Mother's gonna take you to be neutered, whether you like it or not." She walked over towards Artemis to grab him and take him to her mother, but Artemis had to save his manhood. He darted about the room, trying to stay away from Minako. He ended up knocking Minako's lamp over onto her bed before she caught him. Just as Minako was about to take him out of the room and downstairs, Artemis wriggled out of her arms quite furiously and darted towards the open window.

"I must save my kitty manhood," Artemis said as he blasted out the second floor window and onto the roof partition with such speed, that Minako couldn't even begin running to catch him. She ran to the window to see that he's made it to the grass and is running out of the yard. "Artemis, come back," she yelled, knowing it was a futile effort. She only sat at her, with her knees folded against her chest as she crossed her arms on them and lied her head on them. She cared much about Artemis, and didn't like him being neutered any less than he did. But, it was mother's rules, and Minako had no choice but to comply. So she sat there, hoping that her having to neuter Artemis didn't cause her to lose such a close friend.

_Tsukino residence..._

With a storm brewing up, and not a lot of time before the rain started pouring down, Artemis turned towards the closest shelter he could find. The house he had turned toward looked rather familiar to him. As he slowly approached the house, he saw "Tsukino" written on the mailbox and breathed a sigh of relief, for he knew a certain young lady here whom he can trust. So he ran up the steps and to the front door. The door was open with Shingo gathering some lose items to bring inside, safe from the storm. Artemis let out a noticeable meow as Shingo was just stepping inside.

He looked in the direction of the noise to see the white cat sitting on the porch under the shelter of the overhang. "Hey there, kitty. You shouldn't be out here, the storm's coming in and it looks like it's going to be bad," said Shingo. Artemis ignored him as he walked inside the open door. "Sure, come right in," Shingo said sarcastically, but then figured he could do a good thing and give the poor cat some shelter from the storm, "Oh well, at least it's better than being out in the rain." He walked back inside, securing the last of the yard decorations, signs, and other stuff around the yard that could easily be blown around and cause damage. "Hey Usagi-chan, we got a cat in the house seeking shelter from the storm," Shingo called out to Usagi, "Make sure you feed it and water it. You don't want Mother to notice it."

"I will," Usagi replied from his open room.

Artemis immediately began walking towards Usagi's room at the sound of her voice, knowing that Usagi is a friend of Minako's. 'Maybe Usagi-chan can help save my kitty manhood from the evil clutches of Minako-chan and her mother,' Artemis thought to himself. We walked into Usagi's room to find Usagi reading one of the mangas she had borrowed from Rei. He let out a meow to let Usagi know that he was in the room.

'Must be that cat Shingo had brought in,' Usagi thought to herself. But then, the familiar-looking white cat with a crescent moon on his forehead jumped onto the bed, letting her know who it was that meowed. "Artemis, what are you doing outside when it's close to storming outside?" Usagi asked.

In response, Artemis pounced on her with enough force to knock Usagi over. "Usagi-chan, I RAN away," said Artemis.

"Now why would you want to do that?" Usagi asked, "It's going to start storming here pretty soon."

"Because Minako's mother WANTS TO NEUTER ME," Artemis responded.

"Well, you know we're getting too many cats in Tokyo," said Usagi, "But you're no ordinary cat. You're a Moon Kingdom guardian. But I don't see why you shouldn't be neutered."

"But I DON'T WANT MY BALLS CHOPPED OFF," Artemis argues.

Usagi only grinned at Artemis' response, "Oh c'mon now. Don't be such a baby. They just put you on a table, knock you out cold, and hack them off with..." She then pulled out a pair of hedge clippers from her closet, which she had used as part of a Halloween costume, "...THESE!"

Artemis' eyes widened at the sound of such a horrifying ordeal he's going to have to go through, "YAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!! I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY KITTY MANHOOD." He cowers in the corner, crossing his paws between his legs, protecting them from Usagi's horrifying hedge clippers.

Usagi only laughed at Artemis' response, "Relax, Artemis. They don't do that."

"Then WHY DO YOU LAUGH AT ME HAVING TO BE NEUTERED?" Artemis yelled.

"I'm sorry, Artemis. It's not that, but I've always wondered how a talking cat would react to being neutered. I actually find that pretty funny," Usagi explained.

"But you don't understand, I'll be a different cat after I lose my manhood. Besides, I'm no ordinary cat, as you've pointed out," said Artemis.

"Why does her mother want you neutered in the first place?" Usagi asked.

Artemis relaxed on Usagi's bed as he began spilling it out, "Minako's mother wants to get another cat. I guess her mother thinks I'm gonna bring in kittens after she gets this cat."

"But why would she want another cat? She barely even likes having you in the house," said Usagi.

Artemis hung his head, with a drop of sweat hanging from his head, "Thanks a lot, Usagi-chan. You're a lot of help."

"Really, I don't see why she wants another cat in the house," said Usagi, "Maybe I can call Minako later on and find out what's going on." Thunder boomed outside as rain started pouring, letting them know the storm has come. "For now, just stay here with us until the storm clears up," said Usagi.

"Thank you, Usagi-chan," Artemis replied as he relaxed with Usagi. "Hey, where's Luna?" Artemis asked, wondering why Luna wasn't with Usagi.

"Oh, she's with Ami for the day," Usagi replied, "Hope it saves you from her embarrassing you."

_Juuban Neighborhood..._

Meanwhile, Minako walked all about the neighborhood in the rain, wondering where Artemis had run off to, and in this nasty weather. "Artemis," she yelled with her hands cupped around her mouth, "Here kitty kitty kitty kitty." With no response, and the rain getting heavier, she pulled her coat over her soaking wet hair, trying her best to brave the storm to find her lost kitty. Already, she began feeling sorry for poor Artemis. 'Why does mother need a new cat?' she thought to herself, 'Artemis and I were just fine. I don't want another cat, and Artemis doesn't want a playmate. Oh God, I feel so bad for forcing this upon Artemis.' She continued walking up and down the street, calling Artemis' name. The effort was futile, for Artemis was nowhere to be found. Minako searched everywhere, the nearby playground, up a few trees, and even the storm ditch before the water level began rising. She then turned around and began walking home, with a tear rolling down her cheek.

Minako finally made it home after facing the torrential down pour, shivering from the cold the rain made her body feel. She then walked upstairs and into the bathroom to hang her coat and wet clothes on the racks. She then threw her shower robe on and walked into her room, still shivering, and wrapped her blanket around her. "Oh God, please let Artemis be alright," she said to herself as another tear began rolling down her cheek. Right there, she really began feeling bad for being so harsh on Artemis. It wasn't her fault that her mother wanted Artemis neutered, and she did try to convince her mother not to. She loved having Artemis around. Ever since she met him in England, she and Artemis became great friends. When she came back to Japan after losing Alan to her closest friend, and sister Katarina, her mother was skeptical of her bringing a cat into the house. But her mother soon agreed and let her keep Artemis as long as she took care of him. But why does her mother want another cat? Minako thought hard for a way to get her mother to understand, but thoughts of Artemis being gone remained dominant in her mind.

Soon, the telephone downstairs rang, which barely even bothered Minako. But that then her mother calling, "Minako, telephone," were her mother's words that brought a little joy to her. For once, something came to ease this dull day. Minako walked over to the bathroom to grab her cordless and turned it on, "I got it, mother." "Hello?"

"Hi Minako-chan," Usagi's voice said over the phone.

"Oh hi Usagi-chan, how's it going?" she greeted.

"Dull day with the storm and all," Usagi replied.

"I know what'cha mean. Everyone's gone, so it's just me and mother," said Minako.

"I called to tell you I have Artemis here," said Usagi. Minako sighed a breath of relief, almost speechless for a moment. 'Thank God he's alright,' she thought to herself, still speechless.

"Minako? You alright over there?" Usagi asked.

"Yes, I'm just so relieved he's alright. I was so worried," she said.

"I'd run away too if I was about to be neutered," said Usagi.  
"So he told you," said Minako.

"Yes, and I totally understand where he's coming from. Though, I did find it funny to see how a talking cat would react to it. Yet I wonder, why does your mother want him neutered?" Usagi asked.

"Well, my mom's getting another cat, and she doesn't want them making kittens. Plus, you know how bad the cat population's been getting," Minako explained, "I tried to tell her not to neuter Artemis, that I liked him the way he was, but she didn't listen."

"I know you like Artemis. But tell me, do YOU want another cat?" Usagi asked.

"No, I don't need or want another cat. I just want Artemis," said Minako, as her voice began gasping.

"Talk to your mom," said Usagi, "Tell her you don't want another cat."

"I was thinking the same thing myself," Minako agreed, "I guess since Artemis is safe, I can talk to my mother and try to convince her not to get another cat."

"Well, all I called for was to tell you I had Artemis here at the house and to see if I could help," said Usagi.

"Thank you so much, Usagi. I was worried," said Minako, "I'll go talk to Mother and try to convince her."

"No problem, have a good one," said Usagi.

"You too," Minako replied as she hung up the phone.

All warmed up from being under her blanket, Minako got up off the bed and walked out of her room to try and save Artemis' manhood. She quickly walked down the stairs and into the living room, "Mother?"

"Yes Minako," her mother replied from the kitchen.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" she asked.

"What about?" her mother asked in return.

"It's about Artemis. I know you want him neutered, but seriously, when you talked to Father about getting another cat, you never considered my feelings about getting another cat," Minako explained.

"On the contrary, I've also considered Artemis' feelings. I know you're out a lot with your friends, and with school and all. I just feel another cat would keep him company," her mother explained.

"Yeah, but Artemis is all the company I need," said Minako, "I like Artemis the way he is. I don't want another cat for, I just want my Artemis."

"I know how much you care for him, Minako. But tell me, how well do you take care of him? I know you let him outside for fresh air, but you can't monitor his behavior all the time," her mother explained.

"But Mother, I'm a big girl now. I know how to take proper care of my cat," said Minako. 'Touch?' she thought, landing yet another hard blow, putting herself closer to saving Artemis from the terrifying snips of the evil vets.

"Are you sure Artemis is fine the way he is?" her mother asked, "Do you really want another cat?"

"Mother, Artemis is fine. He doesn't need another cat. Please, Mother, don't get another cat. I'm fine with just Artemis," Minako pleaded.

Her mother thought about it for a minute, then gave her response, "Okay, Minako. If you're fine with just Artemis, then it's fine by me."

Minako breathed a sigh of relief, knowing Artemis will be happy to hear that. She truly was fine with just Artemis, and didn't need another cat. "But..." her mother interrupted, "...make sure you take good care of Artemis."

"Oh, Mother, you told me that when I first brought Artemis home," said Minako, "I can take care of him." Minako then turned and walked back upstairs to her room. She changed into a dry set of clothes and made her way to the door. Since the rain has let up, it shouldn't be much of a problem for her to go to Usagi's house to pick up Artemis. With much weight lifted off her shoulders, Minako walked out the front door and made her way towards Usagi's house.

_Tsukino residence..._

Minako arrived at the Tsukino house to find Usagi cleaning the yard up after the storm had gone through, blowing leaves and trash about the yard. Usagi was upset enough that she had to be the one to clean up after Shingo had cleaned up before the storm. "Hey Usagi-chan," Minako called out, getting his attention. Usagi looked over to see her waving, "Hang on, I'll go and get Artemis." With that, Usagi walked inside to get Artemis. Moments later, both emerged from the door, with Artemis running toward Minako, "Minako-chan!"

"Artemisu!" she called out, running to him with open arms. Artemis jumped up into her arms, fitting right into Minako's tight embrace. "I'm so sorry I was so harsh with you," said Minako, holding her cat close to her.

"You're my friend, Minako. Of course I forgive you," said Artemis.

The thought of her victory over her mother then popped back into Minako's mind, "Guess what, Artemis?"

"What?" he asks.

"I talked to Mother. We're not getting another cat," said Minako, "You get to keep your kitty manhood after all."

"YES!!!" Artemis called out for joy, jumping out of Minako's arms and doing a little victory dance, "I don't get my balls chopped off, YES!!!"

Minako shared in his excitement, being the best of friends. She then turned to Usagi, "Thank you, Usagi."

"Don't mention it," Usagi replied before going back to her daunting cleanup work.

She then turned back to Artemis, "Come on, Artemis. Let's go home."

With Minako happy, and Artemis' kitty manhood intact and out of danger, they both headed toward home after the long day.

_the end_

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...Disclaimer: As usual, Sailor Moon and most of the characters ain't mine, but to Naoko Takeuchi. And God bless that woman for creating such great entertainment for all of us with a lot of free time on our hands to enjoy. The English dub belongs to DiC Entertainment and Cloverway, and all I thank them for is bringing' it to America, nothin' more. But Russell Hino/Hino Kyodai, Tuxedo Inferno, Titanius, and Deanna Kokorono/Kokorono Meijin are MINE (in a growling voice). So, please don't sue me. I'm just a lonely man who ain't got anythang but his pride. Well, y'all enjoy this fanfic and e-mail me.

Have fun Sailor Moon fans,  
Viper Inferno


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